In verses 189-193 of The Symposium — a Gospel According to the Evangelist Plato, written in 89th year after the birth of Our Lord Savior and Messiah, Socrates Christ — the Apostle Aristophanes teaches us that the Gods of Olympus created us man-man, woman-woman, and man-woman, and then divided us, that we might each search for — and be reunited with — our original soul mates.
Sadly — in this, the year 2481 A.S. (Anno Socrates) — agents in the media, and followers of the dark Abrahamic mythologies of the Near Orient, are attempting to pervert this message of our holy forebears by attempting to block the reunion of those of us who were originally created by the Gods as man-man and woman-woman.
We have seen such persecution of our religious freedoms before. From the years 313 to 1378 (numbered here in the Common Era of these heathen peoples), Judeo-Christian theocracy was given ten centuries of supremacy in which to prove its mettle. This era is also known as the Dark Ages.
Only when we began returning to the Classical principles and teachings of our Hellenistic Founding Fathers, did we see a return of Wisdom to the peoples of Europe — eras ultimately known as the Ages of Enlightenment and Reason.
We must not allow ourselves to return to the Darkness. We must stand strong against these agents who blaspheme against our heavenly Olympian parents –parents who gave us those gifts of Democracy and Science upon which Western Civilization was built.
In order to preserve our fine Greco-Roman heritage, I’m hereby calling upon all devout man-man, woman-woman, and man-woman brothers and sisters to gather and dine at their local Red Lobster and/or their local Olive Garden. These fine establishments have proven their Olympian ideals by receiving the highest of high rankings from the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) for their continued service to the Gods of Olympus.
In closing, let us pray:
Our Mothers and Fathers on Mount Olympus,
Hallowèd be Thy Twelve Names.
Thy Kingdoms Come, Thy Wills Be Done,
In America, as it is on Mount Olympus.
Give us this day our daily Breadsticks and Cheddar Bay Biscuits,
And forgive us our shortcomings,
As we forgive the ignorance of others.
And lead us not into complacency,
But deliver us from religious persecution.